EDIT: While reading this, please do not think that I am in any way saying I am unhappy with my relationship. If anything, I want the takeaway from this post to be that I am totally and completely, and seemingly helplessly, in love, with the slight lack of a way to express myself. On the other hand, D and I have made a lot (A LOT) of progress in our relationship in the past few months, and for that I am truly grateful. I realize that some people believe this is a way of me to “air my dirty laundry” – however, I can assure you that is not the case. I look at this blog as a form of self expression, not a POOR ME or a LOOK AT ME kind of writing. It’s simply a place for me to record my ideas at the time, and to mentally work through things through writing.
While worrying about and dealing with a dog with diarrhea (and now vomiting) all weekend, I’ve had some time to consider one aspect of my relationship.
As far as I’m concerned, I’m with someone who is great for me. I wouldn’t go so far as to call D “perfect” – I’m not either, but we’ve worked so well together these past few months – at least in my opinion – that I can honestly say I’m happy and wouldn’t want anything more.
Well, sort of. D warned me ahead of time that (to be vague) he’s had issues in the past with, what he calls, “reassurance.” In other words, I don’t always know what he’s thinking. Which, in some ways, can be good – I mean, no one would ever want to know EVERYTHING I’m thinking. But, sometimes, it would be nice to have an extra reinforcement saying, “Yes, this is good, I want this.”
And, here’s my rationale. The questions arise, in my mind, like this: Does D love me? Does he want to be here with me? Can he say this is the best relationship he’s been in? What could I/we do to make it better? One could say/argue that, if he’s still here with me, of course he wants to be here with me.
In my mind, no dice. You see, I’m all to well aware of the fact that people do things that they don’t always want to do. I go grocery shopping. I almost never want to go grocery shopping; in fact, grocery shopping is one of my most loathed activities, because I don’t really get to “pick” what I want, it’s not something that will last (like buying shoes or an outfit); food is something that is absolutely necessary you buy, and within 24-48 hours of consumption, it’s gone. Money wasted? Well, not if you like being alive.
Anyways, that’s a bit sidetracked. So, I go grocery shopping, but not because I want to. And you know what? I don’t say anything about it either. I don’t really express my love or hate for grocery shopping because, in my mind, it’s just something that is done.
I sometimes worry that’s how D feels about our relationship. Now, I’ll preface this articulation of my ideas with this fact: D has NEVER once said anything negative about our relationship (to my face). In fact, in the past few months, we’ve grown a lot and gotten a lot better about expressing our feelings when something’s bothering us. Even if the result is terse words (or a “fight”), and then a resolution, the fact that we’re talking about the “bad” and working through it is, to me, a great leap in the right direction.
But what if you only ever talk about the bad?
There are times when D and I express our feelings to each other. Every now and again, we’ll have a serious moment and he’ll say how happy he is to be with me, how he loves me, and so on. But those moments are few and far between, and sometimes I just get the idea that…maybe he’s really not into all this.
Which I hope is wrong.
Last night, after sharing an (erm) intimate moment, I wanted to express my feelings to D. To tell him how happy I was we were together, how grateful I am for all the amazing moments he adds to my life. I wanted to tell him that every day I spend with him, I fall more in love with him, and that I want to spend all of my future moments with him, for a very long time. I feel all these things inside me, and I want to express them; however, after our (erm) intimate moment… the mood just kind of died. I mean, it committed suicide. I don’t know. Maybe it was suddenly pushed off a cliff (the mood, that is), but it disappeared and all of a sudden he was joking around about the most trivial bullshit.
And I mean, on the one hand, it’s great that he can be so open, funny, and carefree around me. One of the things I value most is his quirky sense of humor and how (usually) he can make me laugh.
On the other hand, I spend a lot of days thinking, “Hmm. I wonder when the last time we said ‘I love you’ was. I wonder if it’s too soon to say it again? I wonder if he’d appreciate this openness I want to offer to him?” I know we can’t and shouldn’t be serious all the time, but when I worry about it to this extent…well. It makes me wonder.
And yet on another hand (that’s right – three hands if you’re counting) – D says that he doesn’t want those words, those expressions we use to convey our feelings, to lose meaning with repetition. My question is, why do they have to? If I love you, whether or not I say it one time or one thousand times, I still love you. Saying it aloud isn’t desensitizing me to it, and I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t mean it. I’m more of the mindset of, if I feel this way, and I want you to know, why SHOULDN’T I say it? Even if I say it every day?
I still don’t think it’ll lose meaning.
For a long time (pretty much my entire childhood, until I moved out of my parents house), every night before bed I would tell my dad I loved him. It would go something like this:
Dad: Goodnight, Lana.
Me: Night, Dad.
Dad: Love you.
Me: I love you too.
We had that exchange probably every single day (or close to it) from the time I can remember until I moved into my dorm my freshman year of college.
And you know what? I still love my dad!
In my mind, I’m not asking for “a whole lot.” Okay, I guess I am. Maybe. But picture it this way: if you truly love someone, it shouldn’t be a burden to tell them that, right? If you truly care for someone, you should be able to tell them that, no matter how often, right?
It’s gotten to the point where I, someone who can usually be pretty open about her feelings, have gotten to the point where I stop myself short of saying anything, because I don’t want to a) seem cliche, b) seem like I’m overusing these special words, or c) seem like I’m expressing unreturned feelings.
I don’t know, I’m probably making a mountain out of a molehill, so to speak. I thought that I had to get this out there, somewhere, so that someone would know.